Last Pills

Moments ago I took my last chemo pills. . .

I don’t know what to say. I feel that there is so much to say, but at the same time nothing more to say.

I am happy and excited to be finished with chemo, but I am also scared. I would even say I am more scared now than I was when taking that very first dose 12 months ago. Back then I knew a plan. I knew (roughly) what the next 12 months would consist of. Now I have no clue… I don’t go back to Juravinski in January to see my oncologist, I don’t have more medication on the way. I have no idea what the coming months will bring. Will my energy and strength return? Will my immune system improve? Will my headaches ever get better? When will I be able to work or drive again? Will things now return to “normal”? What even is “normal”…  I have just adjusted to my new normal and have gotten into a good routine with chemo and appointments and now it is all over! I knew my life as a cancer patient. I don’t even know now what I am. And I won’t know for quite awhile. I have to wait until early February for my first post-chemo MRI, and I will get the results of that the first week of March when I see my oncologist again. That is so far away!! But just as this year has flown by, I know that these dates will quickly arrive. And I know why this year passed so quick – because I had such amazing people supporting me, loving me, and helping me through it. You have all touched my life so deeply and in so many unique ways. I am so honored to have each and every one of you in my life. This year I learned the importance of relationships. Thank you all for teaching me this. Thank you for encouraging me to keep moving forward.

But most of all, thank you for helping me turn this year into the best of my life.